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Finally got a day off from work today – yay! So i got caught up on a few things, household chores, appointments and reading blogs. i came across a handful of blogs today, most of the folks are followers of our blog, and a few of them broke my heart.
I don’t want anyone out there to think we have a perfect marriage post affairs, quite the opposite. There are good days and there are bad days. Actually to be more precise, there are good moments and bad moments. And those moments comprise our day.
What do good moments looks like? Well, you’ve read about them…the sex. Lots of it, kinky, dirty, gentle and loving. Good moments also include when we’re clicking. i almost cried tears of joy the other night when i heard my Husband laugh. An honest-to-goodness belly laugh. Hell, it takes effort, but we’re communicating honestly and make each other a priority. And in the process enjoy each other.
What do bad moments look like? Him quiet and retreating, mulling over details in His head. i lean in to kiss His cheek or lips to comfort Him and He recoils or flinches. i then pull back, withdraw and weep. Not at the rejection, but at the fact that i’ve hurt Him so monstrously.
Then everything deteriorates and we’re mournfully sobbing; Him on the inside, me on the outside. A while later we try to talk and hash things out. Sometimes the pain, hurt and lamenting continue for hours. Sometimes we can work through it.
What helps? Everyone is different. Across the board? Honesty, communication and empathy seem to be keys to success.
A word to all adulterers:
- Firstly, stop being an asshat.
- Secondly, decide where your cheating arse wants to be – with or without your spouse, there is NO in between.
- Thirdly, take owner ship of what you’ve done. YOU chose to cheat. YOUR direct actions destroyed the last vestiges of your marriage – regardless of the state it was in before the affair(s). i’m not preaching, i’m equally as guilty. i’m just being painfully honest with you.
- Fourthly, the wayward/unfaithful/dastardly spouse, in our case me, needs to be truly repentant. You’ve gotta feel it in your soul how your selfish actions gutted your spouse. Whether they want to or not, they will remember what YOU’VE done forever. This what devastates me and what i feel in my core daily, my disgusting actions have been burned on His brain.
- And lastly, apologize. Often and genuinely. Let me say this again for all adulterers out there: APOLOGIZE, OFTEN AND GENUINELY.
A betrayed spouse can smell horse shit from a mile away, so if you aren’t authentic and you’re not feeling apologetic; don’t do it, it’ll only make matters worse.
Sure, there are a lot of factors which brought me and my Husband here. Among them; depression, stress, avoidance, no boundaries, poor understanding of marriage and a lack of honest communication.
For us, recognizing, without blame, what led to cheating has helped fix some of our issues.
For the other heavy stuff, which is solely my fault, i’m in therapy. Sorting through why we make decisions is a good thing. It’s helped me see how i’ve made the wrong ones and to help me in the future to not make bad choices.
It’s not going to be easy and it isn’t. It’s friggin’ hard. Some days the total awareness of my actions and the pain i have caused is suffocating. For the both of us.
What keeps us present is the knowledge that we want to be with each other. We know deep down, in the squidgy, mushy part of us, that we want to grow old together – happily.
And that’s what we focus on. And that allows us to have more good moments.