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Okay, i know i’m not wired sexually like the average woman when it comes to pornography.  When i was younger, i used to race to the mailbox to get the mail in order to sneak a peek at my Dad’s Playboy magazine.

While looking at the women, i didn’t feel sexual or arousal.  i do remember envying the Playboy models and at one point even wanted to be one.  But fate had other ideas…and i’m getting off track.

i like porn and masturbation.  i mean, i really like porn and masturbation.  i could easily waste away a day viewing, edging, cumming.  When i was a single gal, at night when i came home from work i would spend about 2 hours surfing for dirty pics and spanking movies.  Then on my days off, i would dedicate at least one day to erotic images and self abuse.

The dishes would be piled up in the sink, the vacuuming needed to be done and the laundry washed; but i would squander the day away on smut and touching myself.  i thought it was fine.  i had two rules; 1. NEVER pay for porn and 2. NEVER get into phone sex.  Sadly, years later i broke rule #2.

What i didn’t realize is that later on in life, hard-core pics and movies would be the gateway drugs into something much bigger – infidelity.

In trying to deal and handle the ‘why’ of my actions i’m in therapy.  My Husband and i have also done some research about porn addiction and frequent masturbation.

The handful of articles we came across seemed as if they were written solely about my life.

The first one was about pornography addiction and it was pretty enlightening.  It mentions why some women really dig perving the porn.  For instance the link between dulling your mind while viewing adult material with loss of blood flow to your visual cortex.  You wind up short-circuiting how you process stuff.

But what was startling, was that the article goes on to state that women who become addicted to porn are most likely have emotional/sexual trauma in their past.  And to self-soothe and distract them from those traumas, some of us use porn and masturbation to cope.

The second article, about compulsive masturbation, points out that compulsive masturbation is secretive and isolating.  And it also erodes intimacy.  It also confirms some of the information of the first article.

Some of us, with emotional/sexual trauma history, learn early on to use masturbation to cope with stress or to mask our emotional pain.  Which, over time leads to being our primary coping mechanism.

While all of that was vociferously swirling in my head, i advanced to the third article about female sexual addicts.  The thing that made me do a double take was the description that most sexually addicted women didn’t have a parental role model illustrating how to have emotional intimacy in a nonsexual way.

Reading those articles stopped me cold.  For a few moments, i sat there recalling my life and my choices.  And then suddenly a huge lightbulb went off over my head and a handful of things became clearer.

i realized the reality of my parents’ relationship; dysfunctional, and that’s being kind.  i had also realized that what i was doing, watching porn and compulsive masturbation, was my way of coming to grips with my childhood sexual abuse.

To think, i had been doing that for nearly 30 years – making it my chief survival mechanism.

In hindsight my deficient coping mechanism primed me to make the loathsome choices i made which led to my texting, emotional and physical affairs.  I just wish i had realized the damage i have been doing myself all this time, BEFORE i hurt my Husband so fiercely.

The thing i am conscious of is that regardless of the way i was traumatized, by my abuser and my nuclear family, the real long-term damage i did to myself.  And only i can be the one to make a conscious effort to change and write a fresh future for myself, with my Husband.  Cause God knows we desperately want to be happy.