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You had asked me why i want to be with you and said that whatever the reasons are they should be strong and sometimes selfish.

I am with you because i love you; so much, although my actions haven’t demonstrated that.  I like being with you.  When we aren’t battling crisis’, and i’m not being a bitch, we work well together.  We make each other laugh. You make me laugh and you genuinely get my sense of humor.  It’s easy to talk with you, although as of late while riddled with guilt it’s been tough for me.  I feel protected with you, cared for and loved.

I know this doesn’t mean shit right now, because my word is shit right now, but i have always loved you.  The spark may have been stomped out of our relationship, but in my core i love you.  Which is what makes what i’ve done so horrible.

What i have done has nothing to do with love.  It has everything to do with being selfish.  With being lonely.  With being angry.  With being sad and depressed.  And with feeling trapped.

I know i should have come clean with you after you found the posts about the physical affair on Fetlife.  And my excuses on why i didn’t are irrelevant and hurtful.

I also should have confessed to you about the two month emotional affair.  You are right, i down-played it from the get go.  I was afraid.  Afraid you would never want to be with me again.  Afraid you would think i really love this person.  Afraid you’d think i want to be with this person.  At this moment in time, i don’t wholly know what i felt for C.  I know i felt infatuated.  I know i felt captivated.  I know i felt excited.  What i feel for him now is absolute repugnance and i never want contact with him ever again.

I cannot recall each and every phone call and text.  A lot of them involve some form of sex; sexting, talking about trying something and being given a task.  At this moment, i don’t know how i could let a complete stranger tell me to do these sickening things.  All i can remember is feeling compelled to do it and wanting to just ruin myself.  Things had gotten so overwhelming and i actually believed i was useless.  So i allowed myself to engage in that contemptible behavior.

I have managed to remember a couple of things, which i’ve told you.  About the tasks.  About him wanting to buy a house.  About asking me to visit.  About him wanting to visit.  And about the having to choose between the two of you.

Which leads me to my cellphone and your need to recover the deleted messages.  What i am most afraid about in those messages to C is what i can’t remember.  I’m afraid of what i may have said.  If i told this joker to come visit.  If i said, yeah i wanna have sex with you.  And if i told this asshole i want him and not you.

I don’t recall saying these things and i hope to God with all of my might that i didn’t.  If we discover on the phone that i did say those things, i am so incredibly sorry i said them my love.  I know you don’t deserve this.  And i know i’ve hurt you so much, the pain you are in is indescribable.

And i know you need to me tell you everything that i can remember.  As we’ve briefly talked about before, i think i severely ‘broke’ when we were packing up the house at the end of July 2012.  With the intense needling from my mother and brother it became too much for me to handle.

When you left in August with my brother to come to our new home i felt like i was so alone.  Unfortunately the incessant verbal rail from my mother continued, ad nauseam.  When you had asked me a question regarding this period, i told you a half truth about the weird guy.  The half-truth i told you was correct.  He texted me first.  At first i thought it was K.  But after a few days of the back and forth and his familiarity, i started texting with him.  It wasn’t at the level of C, but there were sexting scenarios involved.  And in retrospect, from the bits i remember, it is offensive and disgusting.  And i remember ‘pretending’ to be a character i had read about.  I know that sounds so incredibly childish and i am so fiercely ashamed i behaved that way.

I remember purposefully sending a few pictures; 2 of my face, 3 of my covered breasts.  While talking to C i did accidentally send this freak 2 more – but didn’t realize it until C said he hadn’t received said pictures.

Initially i do remember knowing that i shouldn’t be texting with this person, and eventually i did stop and ignore his texts.

So my panic over the phone message recovery is two-fold.  The half-truth i told you, about not knowing what i had texted C, but also the texting with the freak.

I know in telling you this you are horrified, repulsed and sickened.  But i want to be completely honest with you and hold NOTHING back.  Which is why I am giving you my phone to scan for deleted messages.

I understand if this is the straw which breaks the camel’s back.  And i will understand if you toss me out on my ass without blinking an eye.  I hope i earn the privilege to spend the rest of my life with you.

You deserve to know about all the information.  About the betrayal.  About all the lies.  I am so sorry for EVERYTHING.  i love you so much and i hope we can recover from this.  You never did anything to deserve and warrant ANY of this.  And for the rest of my life i will strive to make you happy and to be a whole and honest person.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!