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The past few days have been complicated and heavy between my Husband and me.  What’s been happening is, when He gets upset He comes into our room and asks me questions.  i then see the pain and anguish in His face and i implode.  We then spend time getting off track, picking apart things and being reduced to tears.

This morning He tried something new.  He wrote down something which has been gnawing at Him.  He asked me to give Him a written response or at least put my thoughts down on paper.  He was figuring that at least this way He wouldn’t feel like an interrogator and i wouldn’t feel like a target.

 “What would make me feel better or release the fact that I accepted your desire/need for BDSM and was actively trying and exploring it with you.  (Yet that night) you still called C, made me wait for sex with you while you were talking with him.  (Then the next day) you actively sought out L again and got in the car with him.
I need something (in writing) to help with the fact that you still went to these two men after you were getting everything that seemed to be missing.”

 The first time i read this, my response was i don’t know why.  Which is the same response i gave you, the past few nights you’ve asked me this question.

For sure i don’t know why.

You could say i’m a cold bitch.  Or that i am inconsiderate slut.  Or i am selfish whore.  In my mind, all of these things apply.  Why?  Because what i have done, the betrayal, the half-truths, the two affairs, is so appalling.  And worse yet, i have no real clear answer to give you, to help you heal, to help you move on and to help you forgive me.  i know i said it the first day and i still truly believe it; i don’t deserve your forgiveness.  i do hope to earn it someday, along with your trust, but i don’t think i am worthy.

As lame and as hollow as this sounds, what i was thinking when i did what i did didn’t include you.  i did not actively do these things with you in mind, purposefully hurting you.  It sounds so silly to say that because it has hurt and damaged you…and us.

Continually i berate myself.  How could i have had relationships with two men who obviously didn’t respect me in the first place?  How could i had/have such self-defeating behavior?  What’s wrong with me?  How could i purposefully sabotage our relationship and drive away the one person in the world who loves me unconditionally?

Daily i demand, interrogate and challenge myself.  WHY?  And the only response i have for myself is because i wanted to harm me.  i bought in to all the negativity hurled at me, coupled with the severe depression.  i honestly believed i didn’t deserve to be happy, least of all i didn’t/don’t deserve you.

While you may have thought i was getting everything that seemed missing, what was truly missing was me.  That confident, happy, kind, loving girl was gone, snuffed out and what replaced her was such a vile creature.

i suppose by the time we had ‘the talk’ i was so far gone and did not know how to come back.  The fear, the self-loathing, the unworthiness, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt, the disrespectfulness, the humiliation.  i was/am suffocating in it.

What i do know for certain:  i am so unbelievably sorry and remorseful.  How i wish i could absorb and remove all of your pain.  Every tear you shed feels like a piercing glass shard.  i want to be the wife you deserve.  i want to make you so disgustingly happy you wanna puke.  i wanna be that beautiful, sweet girl you fell in love with.  I miss her and how she made you feel.  Every day, until the day i die, i will endeavor to earn your trust, forgiveness and love.  i love you.