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This letter is severely overdue and I cannot believe I’ve been so selfish and immersed in my own guilt that I didn’t realize this needed to be done, until you mentioned it.

Let me start by saying I love you so much.  Although my actions have not reciprocated my adoration for you, please don’t ever doubt my love for you.

Reflecting upon the last few days, months and years, I have realized that there is much I am sorrowful for.  Firstly and most importantly, I exceedingly regret cheating on you, emotionally and physically.

When you had initially confronted me about my heinous writings, deplorable pictures and disgraceful profile on FetLife, I lied.  Later that night while talking about our love and my feelings for you, I again lied.  Days later when confronted about the two-month-long emotional affair, I lied yet again.

I had the opportunity to confess everything to you and begin to rebuild trust.  Instead I was a coward, fearful and supremely selfish.  I will regret those actions and how they make you feel until the day I die.

You didn’t deserve any of this; my actions AND my lying.  All you have ever tried to be during our relationship is loving and supportive.  And I shat all over that.  I am so incredibly sorry my darling, you deserve and are entitled to so much better!

I am sorry for not having the courage to come to you about my past and my BDSM tendencies.  I should have known you would be supportive.  Instead, I was a selfish, secretive and fussy lover.

I wish I could take back getting involved emotionally and physically with the two other men.  And I deeply regret allowing those men to steal my attention and affection from you.

Sadly my offenses are not limited to the last few months.  A little while after we first moved in together things changed and I changed.  I am so sorry I allowed other people’s ideas, of what our relationship should be, affect and undermine our relationship and happiness.

I’m sorry you ever had to choose me and my family over yours.  No one should ever be put in to that type of situation.  And it was remarkably self-centered of myself to not be more supportive of you – especially during that difficult time.  If I could turn back the clock and repair all of these hurts, I would without a second thought.

I regret not being stronger and losing faith in us.  And most of all I am sorrowful for not giving you my best or my all.  I have not been a good partner to you for a long while.  I’m sorry for losing my shit, emotionally and psychologically, and not asking for help to fix me before I behaved inappropriately.

Also high on the list of regrets is having ever made you feel second rate.  You are such an amazing, caring, giving, loving and compassionate man.  And I am so incredibly sorry that I have behaved in such a manner that makes you rethink all the promises I’ve made you and regret having laved those affections upon me.

I mourn the man you were before I did these horrible things.  I’ve destroyed your trust in me, damaged your self confidence and plunged you into a depression.  I wish I could erase every hurt I have ever caused you and make those nightmares disappear.

I know my saying sorry doesn’t even begin to skim the surface of retribution owed to you by me.  But please know my dear, sweet man, I will spend the rest of my life desperately trying to make it up to you.  I am so disgusted by my actions and my destruction of our relationship.

Moving forward I will spend every opportunity working on being a better wife, lover and friend.  Focussing on us and our relationship.  Making sure every action supports and strengthens our happiness together.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life.  And you too are the love of my life my darling and I will spend the rest of my days proving that to you.  i love you.

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If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov’d by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me ye women if you can.
I prize thy love more then whole Mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let’s so persever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

To My Dear and Loving Husband by Anne Bradstreet

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