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adult content, adultery, affair, apologetic, asshat, bad day, bdsm, blame, communication, control, D/s, depression, Dominance, good day, Husband, love, Loving Dominant, marriage, real life, relationships, stress, submission, submissive wife, wanton
Finally got a day off from work today – yay! So i got caught up on a few things, household chores, appointments and reading blogs. i came across a handful of blogs today, most of the folks are followers of our blog, and a few of them broke my heart.
I don’t want anyone out there to think we have a perfect marriage post affairs, quite the opposite. There are good days and there are bad days. Actually to be more precise, there are good moments and bad moments. And those moments comprise our day.
What do good moments looks like? Well, you’ve read about them…the sex. Lots of it, kinky, dirty, gentle and loving. Good moments also include when we’re clicking. i almost cried tears of joy the other night when i heard my Husband laugh. An honest-to-goodness belly laugh. Hell, it takes effort, but we’re communicating honestly and make each other a priority. And in the process enjoy each other.
What do bad moments look like? Him quiet and retreating, mulling over details in His head. i lean in to kiss His cheek or lips to comfort Him and He recoils or flinches. i then pull back, withdraw and weep. Not at the rejection, but at the fact that i’ve hurt Him so monstrously.
Then everything deteriorates and we’re mournfully sobbing; Him on the inside, me on the outside. A while later we try to talk and hash things out. Sometimes the pain, hurt and lamenting continue for hours. Sometimes we can work through it.
What helps? Everyone is different. Across the board? Honesty, communication and empathy seem to be keys to success.
A word to all adulterers:
- Firstly, stop being an asshat.
- Secondly, decide where your cheating arse wants to be – with or without your spouse, there is NO in between.
- Thirdly, take owner ship of what you’ve done. YOU chose to cheat. YOUR direct actions destroyed the last vestiges of your marriage – regardless of the state it was in before the affair(s). i’m not preaching, i’m equally as guilty. i’m just being painfully honest with you.
- Fourthly, the wayward/unfaithful/dastardly spouse, in our case me, needs to be truly repentant. You’ve gotta feel it in your soul how your selfish actions gutted your spouse. Whether they want to or not, they will remember what YOU’VE done forever. This what devastates me and what i feel in my core daily, my disgusting actions have been burned on His brain.
- And lastly, apologize. Often and genuinely. Let me say this again for all adulterers out there: APOLOGIZE, OFTEN AND GENUINELY.
A betrayed spouse can smell horse shit from a mile away, so if you aren’t authentic and you’re not feeling apologetic; don’t do it, it’ll only make matters worse.
Sure, there are a lot of factors which brought me and my Husband here. Among them; depression, stress, avoidance, no boundaries, poor understanding of marriage and a lack of honest communication.
For us, recognizing, without blame, what led to cheating has helped fix some of our issues.
For the other heavy stuff, which is solely my fault, i’m in therapy. Sorting through why we make decisions is a good thing. It’s helped me see how i’ve made the wrong ones and to help me in the future to not make bad choices.
It’s not going to be easy and it isn’t. It’s friggin’ hard. Some days the total awareness of my actions and the pain i have caused is suffocating. For the both of us.
What keeps us present is the knowledge that we want to be with each other. We know deep down, in the squidgy, mushy part of us, that we want to grow old together – happily.
And that’s what we focus on. And that allows us to have more good moments.
My husband thinks he killed our marriage.
a lot of the time, i feel like i almost have as well. i also feel like we’re in the ER desperately trying to resuscitate our marriage.
My husband thinks it’s just a matter of me not having forgiven him, which isn’t true. I have forgiven him. I tried to explain it to my husband like this…”We were at the 20 mile mark (just to pick a number) before you cheated on me. Once you cheated it set us back to the 13 mile mark. I have forgiven you, but you want to move forward as if we are still at the 20 mile mark and we’re not. We are at the 13 mile mark and that is just the way it is. You need to work at rebuilding our relationship and you haven’t.” I told him a good place to start would be to ask me on a date that he plans from start to finish. To surprise me, to woo me, to court me…and he won’t even try. I feel terrible for him for being so down on himself. At the same time, I have told him what some of my needs are and he won’t/can’t even attempt to meet those needs. Even after I have spoken plainly to him. It makes me sad to see him so depressed, but at the same time, I can’t pull him up emotionally year after year. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I have to work on myself and this depresses him even more–seeing me trying to better myself.
Mr. Wanton here:
Part of what helps me is to continually and mindfully choose us, to decide to be happy, to want her and to choose happiness or at least togetherness over fear, anger, sorrow, and resentment.
Mr. Wanton here:
Sassy I wish people were told before they engage in infidelity, if you are a basically decent person (yes good people cheat too!), the actions you are about to commit are going to damage your self esteem, your thought processes, your sense of self, and your mental health. Knowing that, would you still like to proceed? An already damaged or discorded person can probably cheat without much internal repercussions, but for a decent person the lies, rationalizing, and mental gymnastics I think are truly damaging.
I agree with everything both Mr & Mrs Wanton are writing, saying and living. I feel like my marriage is very parallel to yours right now. … We have amazing, wonderful moments and we have some difficult, painful ones too. This morning over coffee I was asking my husband questions and he gave me a look to discern how his answers were going to affect my mood. I told him–”I am choosing happiness today. The past is the sound of our footsteps on the ground.” Then I stomped my foot making us both laugh. :)
Yes, I hate that this is now burned into my memory… but like Mrs Wanton–I know the damage my husband has incurred to himself is almost as bad as my pain. We can only get through this together–because like you said: “deep down, in the squidgy, mushy part of us, that we want to grow old together – happily.”
You two are inspirational in your authenticity and focus. I love this.
You ladies are too kind! Thanks so much!!!
Reblogged this on Blogventer and commented:
This is the latest post from the blog (that I mentioned in my last post) that was my “bedtime read” all of last week. This particular post is atypical for them, but it is one of those “few, interspersed, raw moments” that give me insight to their reality… and make me cry. Their marriage, while not perfect, is more honest and real than mine has ever been. Not to mention waaaay sexier….
You’ve been nominated!
http://deviantwench.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/liebster-blog-award/
Wow DW Thanks!!!
You are so very welcome!
thanks! it took me a sec to figure it out :) lol
That was beautiful. I work in a place where a huge tornado ripped through the town. Homes were literally demolished and left on the ground in piles. Some lives were lost, and a few people moved. However, the town as a whole dusted off their hammers and re-built every square inch. Only this time, they knew they wanted more closet space and larger kitchens, so they re-built the way they wished they had before. And most importantly, they added storm shelters. Good job, Mr. & Mrs. You’re inspirational.
Thank you so much Becca! Hope your town is thriving after the devestation! I know that’s something i pray for for us every day. Again, thanks for the beautiful comment and compliment.
AND thanks for reading!
Mr and Mrs Wanton: I wish you both much good fortune (success: 99% perspiration, 1% inspiration) in your marriage rehab. Myself, my ex (TLE=The Loathed Ex) traded me in for a new model, and then traded HIM in on another new model. My mission statement has been: What can I do to mitigate the damage she has wrought upon our children? I’ve tried to not express my deep feelings re their mother to my children, (and my new wife tells me I’ve done fairly well). I have tried to encourage the boys to be mindful of their mother, reminding them to act on her birthday, mother’s day, etc. But, in the long run, all I can do is attempt to live righteously, and correctly. Oh, yes: and also strive to convince my new wife that she is, indeed the center of my universe.